Managing Frustration and Anxiety



Dr. Jed Baker, noted autism expert and author, shared some of his expertise with parents and professionals last week at a one-day conference in Raleigh. His presentation was titled “Managing Frustration and Anxiety and Teaching Social Skills” and provided strategies for individuals with Autism Spectrum Disorder, ADHD, anxiety, mood disorders, and learning challenges.

For those who could not attend, we are sharing highlights of the portion of Dr. Baker’s presentation on managing frustration and anxiety. You can also learn more with his award-winning books, available in the ASNC Bookstore at

Keep Your Cool

Dr. Baker’s first tip was that caregivers must learn to control their own emotions. “If you can be cool, you can get someone else cool,” he said. Reacting to someone having a meltdown by either giving them what they want or forcing their compliance is not effective, he said. Giving in doesn’t last; it feels good in the moment but has disastrous long-term consequences. Getting angry comes from not feeling respected. Caregivers can use fear and unpredictability to scare individuals into complying, but in the long run, the individuals don’t trust you anymore, they don’t want to be in your home or class, and they will not like you, he said.

“90 percent of teaching and parenting is tolerance,” Dr. Baker said. Caregivers must tolerate their own discomfort long enough to think about what to do and not give in or get angry.

So how do caregivers control their own emotions? Number one, by having hope! Tthink of challenges as a temporary issue that can be fixed, not a character flaw. Know that things will get better eventually as long as you stick to strategies. Studies have shown that parents who are optimistic stick to strategies and therefore bad behaviors lessen over time.

Two other things to keep in mind when attempting to control your own reactions: Realize that the individual’s behavior is not intended to challenge your authority but is rather a reflection of their lack of coping skills. Also, do not worry about what other people think. Most observers understand that a child having a meltdown in public is not a reflection of your competence, and they do not blame you. You can gain respect by controlling yourself, not the child.

Lastly, be sure to take care of yourself and maintain balance in your life. What are you doing to make yourself happy? Dr. Baker suggested trying yoga, meditation, and exercise as great ways to reduce your own stress and enable yourself to maintain control of your emotions in the face of meltdowns.

Build a Positive Relationship

The first step to managing an individual’s behavior is to build a positive relationship, Dr. Baker said. It is very important for children to know that adults around them actually do care about them; show warmth and caring.

Ensure that the individuals know what is expected of them by using structure, visual supports, and differentiated instruction. Fair is giving everyone what they need, not teaching everyone at the same level, Dr. Baker explained.

You can also build confidence through the 80/20 rule. Enable individuals to succeed by starting with tasks or lessons they already grasp, then move on to new or more difficult material for the last 20 percent. If you start with the difficult material, they will feel defeated, Dr. Baker said. If you don’t let them make a mistake or fail the first eight times, they will believe they can succeed.

And finally, avoid power struggles. For example on homework, allowing breaks or limiting the amount of time they spend on it is not giving in, it is managing the work. You could also try doing the work with them or doing the first problem for them.

Manage Crises

When an argument, meltdown, or crisis does come up, first be willing to take some time to manage it. Listen to their side of the situation, agree, and apologize when necessary. Show some sympathy; there is always a kernel of truth in why they are acting out. Then collaborate and ask them “what do you want? Let’s find the right way to get that.”

If the individual is too distraught to use logic or reason, try to distract them and change their mood or focus with novel items, special interests, or sensory activities. Dr. Baker said that when he is working with individuals on the spectrum, he always keeps his pockets full of things he can use to distract them. Distraction is not rewarding the behavior as long as you don’t give them what they were having a tantrum over. If the individual is trying to avoid a task, distraction helps them avoid it, so give them a legitimate way such as taking a short break or breaking the task into pieces.

Once the crisis is over, make a plan for next time.

Work on Repeat Behavior Problems

If the individual is repeating unwanted behavior, explore why it happens. Observe and keep a journal so that you know what happened before, during, and after the behavior. The difficulty is that causes for the behavior come before the behavior, when you might not be paying attention. But with practice and time, you should be able to discover the trigger for the behavior.

Some of the typical triggers Dr. Baker listed were:

  1. Internal issues – hunger, exhaustion, illness
  2. Sensory issues – noise light, touch, overstimulation, boredom
  3. Lack of structure – not enough visual supports to give expectations
  4. Challenging or new work, feared situations
  5. Having to wait, not getting what one wants, disappointments
  6. Threats to self-esteem such as losing, mistakes, criticism
  7. Unmet wishes for attention – being ignored, wanting others to laugh

Once you have data on the trigger(s), you can develop a prevention plan. Dr. Baker mentioned his No More Meltdowns app that will help caregivers keep track of behaviors. The app allows you to upload to, which will analyze data and give you a prevention plan.

A good behavior plan will change or remove the triggers as much as possible, teach the individual skills to deal with the triggers, and reward new skills. If the individual is not already frustrated, you can also use a loss system when they do not use new skills to deal with the triggers.

Demands for Work

When an individual is frustrated by demands for work, there are several ways you can change that trigger. First, model and prompt rather than test. This goes along with the 80/20 rule mentioned previously. “Teach” them something they already know first, so they succeed. You also can give them a choice of which work they do, or use their special interests to make the work more appealing. Visual supports, such as instructions, outlines, and labels are helpful for many individuals. Finally, try reducing the length of time and using a timer so they can see how long they must keep doing the task.

To help individuals deal with demands for work, teach “trying when it’s hard,” Dr. Baker said. For some individuals, the fear of the work is the trigger, and this can be overcome with gradual exposure. Get them to try a small portion of the work. Teach them to ask to watch first or to ask for help. Tell them that they may take a break for a certain amount of time and then come back to try again. Finally, be willing to negotiate how much they do (unless you know you are working with an individual who will keep negotiating, which Dr. Baker referred to as a “congenital attorney,” much to the audience’s amusement).

Dealing with Fear

Some individuals fear situations that can just be avoided, but many must face their fears because situations cannot be avoided. Start by persuading these individuals that they must deal with their fears. Talk about their strengths and their optimistic future, and then bring up that they should deal with their fears so that the challenge is not in their way anymore. It can be a relief for them to learn that they do not have to change fundamentally, they just have to make it so that the challenge does not stand in the way of their success, Dr. Baker explained.

Then explain anxiety and true vs. false alarms. Being anxious means that the brain lies to you and makes you afraid all the time, rather than just keeping you out of true danger, he said. Help them to think like a scientist and do research on their fears. For example, if they wash their hands constantly because they are afraid of germs, they should research the likelihood of contracting a disease. Let them convince themselves through logic that their anxiety is overblown.

You can also try gradual exposure to their fear. A visual aid of a fear ladder with rungs of exposure can allow for rewards as they reach each rung.

To reduce individuals’ overall anxiety, add exercise, mindfulness meditation, and relaxation techniques. Dr. Baker recommended the resource Focusing on the moment means they are not worrying, and it recharges and re-energizes, he said. The best time for many is at night, because they are less occupied, and so that’s when all the worries come out.

Finally, if anxiety is debilitating and other methods are not working, Dr. Baker said neurofeedback and medication can be useful options.

Waiting, Accepting No, Stopping Fun

Dr. Baker offered several strategies for individuals who have meltdowns because they are unable to wait, accept no for an answer, or transition away from preferred activities. A visual timer can help them understand how long they will have to wait or when they must start a new activity. A visual schedule also helps with transitions. “Prime ahead” by discussing what they will gain by waiting or accepting no, and talk about disappointments that might occur during an upcoming period.

Help them accept no by providing what they want or something else that they want at a later time. Use a reward system such as a “disappointment poster” and give them points for waiting, accepting no, and stopping fun.

Self-esteem: Mistakes, Losing, Teasing

For individuals who are upset by losing or mistakes, again the 80/20 rule is useful, Dr. Baker said. Let individuals win or succeed 80 percent of the time to build up goodwill. You also can talk ahead of time about mistakes that might occur but remind them that mistakes help us learn and grow; if you are not making mistakes, you are not trying new things or learning.

For teasing, first protect the individual as much as possible by surrounding them with supportive peers. Peer buddy programs have been shown to be a very effective method of building children up and preventing teasing. When teasing does occur, help them to check it out first to make sure they understood correctly. Perhaps it was not meant to be teasing. Teach them that when they are teased, they should calmly ask the person to stop, showing that the teaser did not get to them and does not control them. If the person does not stop, they should report the behavior.

Unmet Needs for Attention

Some individuals act out to gain attention. To change this trigger, you can schedule attention or special time for the individual so they know they will get it. In the classroom, for example, you could use a timer to count down to when they may speak with the teacher rather than calling out in class. Dr. Baker also recommended looking for appropriate outlets for the individual, such as theater or standup comedy.

Also, teach the individual about positive ways to get attention, stressing that they want to be liked, not just gain attention. Teach them about public vs. private topics, and if in a classroom or other group setting, try to get peers in on it — if the peers laugh when the student says something inappropriate, that is a reinforcement of the negative behavior. Teach the individual the “rules of comedy”: Don’t make fun of vulnerable people. Use slapstick, random thoughts, and self-deprecation.

Sensory Needs

For individuals who engage in self-stimulation such as drumming, flapping, or chewing for sensory needs, you can try to change the triggers by avoiding boredom such as waits or group activities in which they are not engaged, or by modifying frustrating work.

Skills you can teach them include alternative ways and times to self-stimulate and how to be a self-advocate for a better environment, Dr. Baker said. Individuals need to know to ask for what they need, such as less noise or more interaction. On the other hand, they need to know they have a right to the environment that works for them but can’t impose it on everyone else. If they need it quieter, they can ask people nicely, and if they don’t get it, the individual should ask to leave and take a break.


Dr. Baker also discussed ways to prepare for unexpected triggers. Collaborate with the individual on ways to distract and soothe themselves in the case of upsets. Have them compile a folder of relaxation techniques. Establish safe people whom they can turn to when they need support. Teach them this self-talk: “All problems can be solved if you can wait and talk to the right person.”

Jed Baker, Ph.D. is the director of the Social Skills Training Project, an organization serving individuals with autism and social communication problems. He is on the professional advisory board of Autism Today, ASPEN, ANSWER, YAI, the Kelberman Center and several other autism organizations. In addition, Dr. Baker writes, lectures, and provides training internationally on the topic of social skills training and managing challenging behaviors; he was the keynote speaker at ASNC’s 2015 annual conference.


Through the Eyes of the Child

To truly understand a child on the spectrum, we must take the child’s perspective–by Kathy Dolbee

“A child’s grief is little, but then, so is the child.” Percy Bysshe Shelley

The above statement might seem obvious, but it makes clear that both perception and perspective play an important role in how a person views a specific situation or the world in general. I was once asked to look at a drawing of a top hat. At first glance the hat seemed taller than the brim was wide. In reality, however, both height and width were equal. That taught me that dimensions can easily be misjudged, even by “neurotypicals”.
It is just as easy for adults to misjudge the dimensions of a child’s stress unless they are able to take that child’s perspective—viewing the situation through the eyes and the thought processes of that particular child. The book Childstress cautions. “Adults should not judge troubles by their size, but by the size of the pain they produce.” That reminds me of the Fujita scale that measures the strength of a tornado—not by its wind velocity, but by the damage it does. Oh, how I wish that a psychologist would develop such a scale for the emotional storms weathered by children with autism and their families on any given day!
In many cases the proportions of a child’s pain are greater than parents or professionals realize. This was confirmed by a study in which parents were asked to rate their children’s emotional state. The majority replied that their child was “very happy.” Yet, when the kids were questioned separate from their parents, most described themselves as “unhappy” and even “miserable.” Children face fears that parents and others may often minimize.
Last year I had the opportunity to help facilitate a social skills group at Western Carolina University in Cullowhee. During one activity, each participant in the group received 5 color-coded, numbered paddles. Different social scenarios were read to the students who then rated the situation described (anywhere from a “1” which would mean no or little stress to “5” which equates to jumping off the cliffs of insanity). Something like, “You are visiting your grandmother’s house for dinner and are expected to hug relatives you have never met” or “You go to the library, intending to borrow a favorite book or video, but the library is closed because of a National Holiday.”
Each participant rated the situation and held up a paddle that indicated the level of stress that situation would trigger for them. The responses varied greatly. For some kids, every situation presented rated a 5. It was a lesson in perspective-taking for the kids to see that not everyone perceived challenging social situations in the same way.
In another, more scientific study, conducted by Dr. Kaoru Yamamoto, a group of children were asked to rate 20 life events on a seven-point stress scale. Then a group of adults rated those same events according to how they felt a child would rate them. The adults misjudged on 16 of the 20 items! “We all think we know our children,” concludes Dr. Yamamoto, “but all too often we don’t really see or hear, nor understand, what is really troubling them.
Since many kids with ASD deal with stress on a daily basis, be it from external or internal triggers, teaching them to recognize their rising stress level (self-monitoring) is an important first step toward self regulation.  Such a goal is often written into an IEP, but educators are often unsure of exactly how to make a goal like that measurable.
The Incredible 5- Point Scale” and its companion “When My Worries Get Too Big” are great tools to help parents, teachers and the students themselves, perceive the level of stress triggered by a specific situation, “visually quantifying” a child’s emotional response within a specific context. With that information, an individualized “calming sequence” can be created to teach the student how to manage stress in appropriate ways.

The Autism Bookstore has both of these books and many more that discuss behaviors, relaxation, perspective-taking, and many other aspects of understanding autism.

ASNC Bookstore June Top Ten Best Sellers

June 2010 Top 10 Bestsellers

  1. Parent Survival Manual
  2. Taking Care of Myself
  3. Manners for the Real World DVD
  4. Social Skills Picture Book
  5. Super Skills
  6. TEACCH Transition Assessment Profile (TTAP)
  7. Tasks Galore: Let’s Play
  8. Social Skills Picture Book for High School and Beyond
  9. Tasks Galore Book 1
  10. Navigating the Social World

Please visit our website to read detailed descriptions of these and other popular titles. We are also adding new books monthly, so check out our New Items category to see our latest offerings.

Local author has penned an amazing new memoir about her life with her son Chase

Boy Who Loved Tornadoes Cover Image

Boy Who Loved Tornadoes by Randi Davenport

Local author has penned an amazing new memoir about her life with her son Chase, who is The Boy Who Loved Tornadoes. Randi Davenport spent the better part of 20 years attempting to get a concrete diagnosis and appropriate services for her son Chase – this is her story. Through the years, Randi consults with every type of specialist you can imagine all of whom are dumbfounded by Chase’s unique combination of conditions, one of which is autism. As a teenager Chase goes into a psychosis of which medication is no avail and he becomes in need of 24-hour care. Chase cannot live at home yet the type of housing placement he needs is so scarce that the mental health system is unable to provide it. It is only with Randi Davenport’s extreme persistent and advocacy efforts that her son is eventually granted a bed at an appropriate facility; it is only then that Chase begins to peak through the curtain of his psychosis. As the reader goes on this treacherous journey we’re also met with heartwarming memories of Randi’s little family attempting to make their way in this world.

Randi has already been featured in the Washington Post and will be featured in People magazine in the April 5th issue hitting newsstands shortly. She has already received rave reviews from such esteemed authors as Alice Hoffman and Virginia Holman, and prestigious Elle Magazine reviewer Lisa Shea.

Randi Davenport will be having a special book signing of her newly release book, The Boy Who Loved Tornadoes, at the Autism Society of NC’s Annual Conference at 6pm on April 23rd at the Sheraton Hotel in Chapel Hill. Please come by to meet her in person!

Getting into the Holiday Spirit!

ASNC Bookstore Gift Certificate

Do you think your child’s teacher, mentor, grandparent, or doctor could benefit from reading more about autism? Not sure which book would suite their needs best? We’ve got the perfect gift, ASNC Bookstore Gift Certificates! Give them a gift certificate this holiday season and let them choose an autism title from our website:

An ASNC Bookstore gift certificate makes a great gift for birthdays, holidays, teacher appreciation day, grandparents’ appreciation day and many other special occasions happening throughout the year. In fact, a gift certificate makes the perfect gift for anyone who loves someone with autism no matter the occasion.

The ASNC Bookstore supplies nearly 600 outstanding and award-winning resources on a wide variety of topics related to autism, and we provide personalized service by telephone (1-800-442-2762) or email (

I hope you have a great holiday season!

~Melanie Adams-Borgen, ASNC Bookstore Manager